what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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