I wanna passion pit in your ass
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i think i just lost a toe
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
