I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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