anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Your cock deserves a montage
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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