I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
