i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
