I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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