Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just google imaged poop.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
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