I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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