I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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