Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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