Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
