Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
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