yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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