Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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