Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
