I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
