Well douche your snatch and let's go!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
