you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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