How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
