i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
