My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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