I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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