Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
