Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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