Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You can't motorboat a personality
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
