I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
