I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
