i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
