don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
