3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
