if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
