Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I am naked and annoyed.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
