I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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