did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I want a musical about memes.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
