I am puke
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
