someone threw a dead crab at me
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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