Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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