"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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