turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
