Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
