Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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