you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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