My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
