Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
