just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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