A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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