I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I stole a fireplace last night.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
