I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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