Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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