my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
